Kimberly Anne Bell | Accepting the Past, Embracing the Reality, & Fighting for Our Futures | E82
Hello friends. I’m David Pasqualone and welcome to this week’s remarkable episode of the Remarkable People Podcast, the Kimberly Bell story!
Ladies and gentlemen, this is a emotional roller coaster of a week. Kimberly truly has been through the gambit. She had a mom and dad that abandoned her, rejected her. Pretty much said, Hey, you’re on your own. She was raped. She got into bad relationships. She was part of a repeating [00:01:00] cycle when she was a child, even though she was hyper intelligent, she was labeled as mentally handicap because she had memory issues from the trauma she faced. And the story just goes on and on.
So she’s going to take you on this journey. Her childhood and the dysfunction, how it carried through her teen years into her adulthood, and then how she finally found healing and forgiveness and freedom. And she helps you work through the process yourself. So seriously, get your pen and paper. This is an incredible episode.
Like it, share it, rate it, review it, but please apply it all knowledge. Especially real true knowledge comes from God. There’s a lot of good stuff in this episode, but it won’t do you, me Kimberly or any human good. Unless we apply. So be excited. It’s an [00:02:00] upbeat episode. Don’t think it’s too serious, but the content and the subject matter is heavy, but Kimberly’s a remarkable woman and you’re going to truly love this episode.
EPISODE Kimberly Anne Bell Accepting the Past Embracing Today and Taking Action for Tomorrow: Hey, Kimberly, how are you today? I’m doing good. How are you? Oh, I’m excellent. I was just telling our listeners about you and they are pumped to hear your story. So at this time, if you can start off at your birth and go past present, and we’ll, then we’ll get into the future with your remarkable journey.
We would so appreciate it. How’s that sound great. Sounds great. Sounds great. All right. So where did it all start for Kimberly? Hey, so it all started in the beginning. From before I was five years old, I stayed with my biological mother and father and my sister who’s two years older than me. And I [00:03:00] always, I can remember feeling a disconnection from my biological mother.
I don’t know what it was, but even from combing my hair, getting me dressed feeding me, it was always a resentment attitude not loving, quite different from my biological father and my biological biological sister, whom I was with even though my biological father was in and out the house.
And it seemed like we were always rushing in either going to go to the church or going to neighbor’s house or playing. I still remember, you know, the sensitivity that was loving from, from those two. My sister and I had a very good relationship. As far as she was my oldest sister loving played with her, you know, but [00:04:00] again, for my biological mother, it was just a disconnection, a very before I was even turned five, I just would just look at her and always feel, what is it about me or what could I do to have this woman put her arms around me?
Hold me, hug me, tell me she loves me. But it didn’t happen. And so I grew up with that void with that longing, that yearning for this particular person, which is my mother, whom I only knew to give me some type of validation that she loved me. It never came. So I remember physical abuse happening in and out of my family with my biological father and chaotic [00:05:00] arguing.
As I was saying, he would be in and out. I’m not sure. Being that young, what the arguments was about. It was clarified, you know, throughout the years when I got older that, you know, it was you know, running around infidelity pretty much on both parts, but I just knew it was chaotic and the household, and it was not, they ad normal of seeing physical abuse or her crying or her sad, or, you know, my father being angry and, you know putting his hands on her.
So one particular incident that changed my life forever was the worst fight that I had ever witnessed my sister and I, we were coming home from either daycare or school and she they were arguing, they were in the midst of it. And I remember us being [00:06:00] told to run out the house and try to get in the car.
Both of them ended up going in the car and we drove around, drove around as you know, the story started unfolding. They were trying to find somewhere for us to stay, but everywhere they were taking us, I guess that, you know, the arguments that we wasn’t able to get dropped off. So we ended up the.
Knighthead fell. I remember it being dark and we ended up to a gas station and I, it was just, just like it was yesterday. We stopped at the gas station and this particular last fight that I witnessed, he just with a closed fist, just hit her in her face, everywhere that he could. Yeah. I remember her, him having his, her hair, you know, she had very thick hair wrapped around her, his hand.
And I just [00:07:00] remember blood just, just going. And my sister, both of us was in the backseat, just went hysterical. She just started crying and try to fight him. And I just remember just being numb. I was just totally frozen. I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t speak. I just looked. And so many things was going in my head.
Like I’m imagining, you know, this beautiful woman that I always wanted this love from what in the world did she do so bad to, to have this happen? And why was my dad so angry? And you know, just so many thoughts was running, but mentally I just, I couldn’t speak. I just felt like. As I said, just numb, just totally frozen.
And so we ended up making our way to my grant, my grandparents’ house, which is her [00:08:00] parents. And they had words, of course, for him to bring, you know, their daughter at that yet that back home and that type of predicament and everyone was so upset. And I remember him wanting to take, you know I believe my brother or I believe he was born.
But little, I it’s, it’s so vague, but I do remember shims my biological mother saying to him to take me. And all I could remember was wanting my sister to go, why was I going? But yet I was a little hopeful because. I was with my biological dad and least [00:09:00] we were going somewhere. So he ended up dropping me off.
He took me to his sister’s house. Now I’m already traumatically, you know, not knowing after I just witnessed this, what what’s going on, what’s going to happen to me. What’s going to happen to me and him. But we ended up going to his sister’s house home his oldest sister and her husband. And he was still quite upset.
I remember him, you know, trying to tell my aunt the story. And he looked at me and he said, you’re going to stay here. I’ll be back. So they showed me the room that Slapping that night by myself. And I remember hopeful one, but scared that cause these were people that I, I never stayed a night with.[00:10:00]
I trusted what he said that he would come back. I was still confused about what had happened and wondering how my sister is doing because we were close and I’m waiting for the next morning for someone to tell me what’s going to happen to me or my dad’s going to return. So that never happened. The next morning happened it, Hey, let me, I don’t want to interrupt you, but I want to clarify some things while you, before he move on at this point, how old were you roughly?
Five. Five. And you had a sister that was younger years older than me. Two years older. And then you had a younger brother and yeah, I believe see that the order of us was my older sister. She’s two years younger, older than me then it’s myself. And then it was my brother. She did finally have the boy and then she had two other children [00:11:00] after from my father after us.
Yeah. But at this point in this story, there’s at this point in the story. Yeah. And then the last question I have on this is the distance that you felt between your mother and you, did your sister also feel that distance or did they feel. No. They never felt that they felt close. They still, yeah, they felt close.
Okay. I just wanted to clarify and communicate those thoughts. So you’re at people who are almost PR you know, you’ve never stayed the night with them. You don’t have a close relationship pick up. Yes. But I do know that that was his sister. So she was the oldest of them, which was my paternal aunt and her husband.
So they said to me, you know, this is where you’re going to stay. And we love you. You might look different than us, but we love you. And I pretty much just got that. I never knew that they [00:12:00] legally went to adopt me until later When I went to get a job, that’s when the first time I ever seen a birth certificate that was changed.
I just pretty much started as their, their, their child when I got to school. When my during my early my elementary school year was my last name, which was bell. I don’t even recall if I ever was a Clark from my biological act. I did not get any one to pretty much sit me down and explain what was happening.
Meantime, my father was coming in and out. Because of course he had a relationship with his sister, which is my aunt, and I’m going, he was moving on with his life after having two other children by my, by my mother, they finally got a divorce and he would [00:13:00] come basically. And he would say, you know, I’m going to come and get you.
And a lot of times there were missed, you know, promises that never. Was fulfilled. I would get my stuff packed. I wouldn’t be sitting waiting for hours until one day. My adopted dad gave him a sit-down talk and was like, he was, I remember his voice kind of changed. So I know that was very important for him to speak up for me and pretty much tell him, you know, to pretty much stay away.
If he’s going to be promising me, that he was going to come and get me to stay with him. And he doesn’t because it’s, it’s doing more harm than good to me. And so during those times I would ask to go and see my sister and my siblings and go and see my mother. I would do some crying and [00:14:00] times when I would say, you know, out of hurt and pain, I want to go and stay with my mom, regardless of her treating me.
And I knew she didn’t treat me like my oldest sister or even like me. I didn’t, I knew as a child that this woman didn’t like me, but I loved her. So I would cry and want to stay with her. And I would hear my bylaw, my adopted mom telling me out of her hurt and not, not even having the knowledge because no one prepared them for adopting a child that had already lived with.
They’re her biological family has that she would say, I don’t understand you. You’re crazy that you still want to stay with your mother and this woman mistreated you. Why would you want to stay with someone? We love you. Why would you want to stay with someone that is being that’s been mean to you that has you know, abused you.[00:15:00]
And so which for an adult, thinking through things makes total sense for a child, given we’re all born to love our mother and father. How much of a disappointment they are, both of you are. I mean, you were a child, but she just, she didn’t get it. She missed that day of school. And then those times back in the seventies, they didn’t even have the resources that they have now and educating people to, you know, so their belief was prayer and only prayer through we were AME Zion and we were, they were really heavy in church.
So, but you’re absolutely right in my adopted. That was my savior because I remember him, you know, speaking up for me and saying to her, you know, little mom, you know, that’s what they call each other, a little mom and dad to bill. I said, you know, a little mom that she wants to, you know, go and see her mom, you know, that’s her mom, you know, let her, [00:16:00] you know, so.
I just want to put that out there then, you know, with the conversation, they would let me go and see my biological mom every now and then. Because of me wanting to, from what my understanding, wasn’t her wanting me to come. It was me wanting to come. And so as they see me coming back from visits with the, with, with her and my siblings worse mentally, then I left.
They, they put a stop to it. And when I said worse it’s because me growing up, I still was feeling that disconnection. It was almost like I was a visitor. It wasn’t like I was her child. I remember her giving me food stamps, just like she was. And at that time they were the the little papers and different types of paper, money, paper, money in different colors.
Then she would give me almost the same amount that my other sibling and say, go head to the store. It was nothing different. And it [00:17:00] was so hurtful because if you can understand David I’m up here in secretly inner yelling saying maybe this is the day that this woman won’t let me go back. She’ll love me and say, Kim, you’re going to stay with us.
And it never came. So after a while that those visits stopped, when my parents would see a difference of me coming back. Yeah. And it’s so common, sadly, this is something that’s really hard. I grew up an only child. My parents were never married. My dad wanted nothing to do with me. And all I ever wanted to do is please God and have a strong family.
Love my kids. You know what I mean? And you see all around you, the divorce rate, I don’t care if you say you’re a Christian or not, it’s the same. It’s 60 plus percent, 50 plus percent, depending on the statistics and the kids are suffering for the parents’ inability to stick it out and what you [00:18:00] went through.
I’m so sorry. And it breaks my heart, but it’s too common that, you know, you’re there, you’re longing for your, mother’s love your father’s love yours, your case, your mother, and she’s not giving it to you. So then you come back to the people who love you and are caring for you. And it’s an emotional, I almost said a bad word.
It’s an emotional storm. Right?
You got a better one storm. It was absolutely. Yeah. And I don’t know if this was for you and we live in a different generation, but like when you and I were growing up, there was hard lines to the wall for the phone. Now everybody’s got a cell phone, but I know kids who they talk to their mother or father I’ve observed.
And then they’re like emotionally distressed. They don’t realize that they’re not making the connection. They’re not mentally mature enough, but they spent five hours just pissed off at the world because they feel that rejection. So did you [00:19:00] recognize the pain? Like obviously you didn’t process it, how we’re discussing it, but you’re your parents that loved you and adopted you.
They saw it and they dealt with it, but did you come back depressed or angry or did you recognize you were coming back emotionally? Wounded? Not at that time after going through young adult and making different choices and decisions, trying to get validations from other people. And even I do recall going through and I asked my therapist about it later.
I went home and I had a snack bowl and one of the visits I came home and I guess I had depressed, you know, this rejection again. And I found that someone had went in the snack bowl. That was that designated just for me. And I w I had a meltdown, I had a [00:20:00] meltdown, I started crying and yelling and they were like, Kim, you know, it’s okay.
It’s okay. But my thing was, as there was walked out, what’s the justice is that no one that someone took that control from me and went into my. Well, that was designated for me and me only and took something out and it start in on, like she had brought out to let me know the root of it was from that rejection and that abandonment that I had no control of it.
So now I want justice because no one asked me no one, you get what I’m saying? So it was, it was, it was I now I recall that one meltdown and they, they had no idea. They were trying to, you know, you know, you know, let me know it was okay and, and stuff like that. But I [00:21:00] do, I do know that I try to suppress, and that’s what I did because of the fact that no one talked to me or no one really initiated that I had.
And that I ha I could say how I feel. That’s why I’m a very strong advocate to parents telling you know, their children and asking them how you feel. And let them know that emotions are real and it’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to feel angry. I suppressed my voice. I would not pretty much talk. And I got into the little depression and eight or nine that music was my Mo was my outlet, the radio, and, and, and in my room, but it was a form of depression of aging, you know, that, and then I was misdiagnosed because of that silence and that [00:22:00] suppressing my voice that I couldn’t remember.
My memory was strained because of all the traumatic experiences that I went through here. My dad is going on with his life and he remarries starts having another family. David he’s coming in and out. My, my mother house here, I’m 10 and 11 and talking to his sister pretty much updating her on updating her on his life and his kids, 77, that I’m literally confused and wondering.
Does he even know that I’m his child. Because the way he’s addressing me and the way I’m seeing him, he’s just like I done gave you to my sister. Now, that’s your mother, that’s your father. I have nothing to do with you. And it was hurtful. It was like you said, the rollercoaster storm, like this was like from all degrees.[00:23:00]
My, my, my, my biological mother now, my biological father, what the hell am I? What is the purpose of me being here pretty much. And it’s same time. You know, you got these adoptive family, pouring all their love and attention, trying to do whatever they know the best to do, how they were raised in their era to give me the stability and the love that they feel that a child meets.
Yeah. And that’s just so hard. Now, let me ask you a couple of questions. This episode is about you, but your father and mother’s background, how they live and parent affects you. What was your dad’s background? Did he come from a broken home, five siblings, 20 siblings, one sibling, no sibling. What was his background?
He had a lot of siblings. Like I said, this, the sister that raised me was the oldest of them. I do know he had a [00:24:00] lot of siblings and I’m not sure that I don’t believe that his father was, was in the household with With his, with his his mother. And then what about your mother? What do you know about her background?
That her mother and father was together and she had a lot of siblings too, but she had a traditional home father, mother in the house. I don’t want to jump ahead in your story, but I have questions about your mother. So continue your story. And I may backtrack to ask them in the future for doesn’t come up.
So please continue. So like I said, in the elementary years, I had the battle with the, the bullying with the, the misdiagnosis that I went through the testing and the elementary first kindergarten to first grade. And they had diagnosed me mild retardation. So I was in re [00:25:00] resort. Yes. And we have listeners all over the world.
Again, I don’t mean to cut you off, but we have ministers all over the world. So what Kimberly’s talking about is in the American public school system, you know, I’m not going to get into that. There’s serious problems with the American public school system, but they give you tests. When you go to school, they’d classify you and you, there was different programs and they were called different things.
But Kimberly was suffering from trauma trauma. What you will call today as PTSD. There’s all different terms for it. Go back to world war one, they call it shell shock. Yes, but it’s not just for soldiers and what Kimberly was dealing with. She experienced memory loss, which is very common. That doesn’t mean you’re not intelligent.
That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you other than the trauma has disconnected parts of your brain. Wow. Yeah. And the memory loss was what that, what in the, the intellectual [00:26:00] disability was, I couldn’t retain information. Like we would go through our numbers from one to 20 the next day. I couldn’t remember past 10, but I, but like you said, the trauma, I could remember everything in details from, from five, that traumatic experience all the way up.
Yeah. Yeah. And it’s a real thing. And I personally did not believe this. I thought, no, no, there’s, you know, this isn’t true. And then I had major trauma in 2015, and I have a hearing issue where I have perfect hearing yet. I can just be sitting there and not hear people, my brain audible. It’s, it’s my story.
I’m not going to go into it with it, take your time. But that’s where my eyes were open. I had multiple doctors, multiple counselors, and then I get a hearing test. She knows nothing about my background, but she’s like, you have PTSD. Like what, why did you say that? And she’s like, your hearing is impeccable, but your brain isn’t picking.
And I’m like, [00:27:00] okay. I submit God, what are you trying to teach me? So you had that at a child’s age. People didn’t understand it back then. So what was that like going through school? Did they make you feel like you were stupid or how, yeah, because like you said, in that era, in the seventies, now that they have really, when a milestone with a special ed and now not making those classes in inclusive and you know, separating everything back then resource room was resources.
That’s exactly what they called them. The children knew that I was going in that room every day and not joining them to, unless it was during the specials, the gym and recess. So in recess, lots of times I would get bullied and it took David for about three years with that same resource teacher that.
Found my voice when some type of way, and just said to [00:28:00] her, I don’t want to go out to recess. I want to help you. And then she was like him, why? And I would say, because, you know, they tease me, they pick on me, you know, they call me the little, you know, retarded girl, but I don’t think I even told him, told her what they said.
I just said they were teasing me, you know? And she said, well, you can be my helper. And I remember that, that resource teacher and I even gave her, you know, I ran into her about three or four years ago and she remembered my face. But you know, to all the educators there, that was one woman. And she wasn’t the same culture as my, my parents or myself, but she saw something in me and she said to me, she said, you are a special child.
She said, I don’t care if I have to work with you every year. I’m not going to let you go. And that’s, and you know, I found trust in her, which this was one of the people besides my adopted dad [00:29:00] that I found would fight for me and that I could trust. And so that’s what she did. She stayed with me up for do throughout my whole elementary school years.
And then I remember praying in sixth grade and I said Because my adopted dad would always be praying to God and he would always, you know, try to feed me besides going to church with them, the spiritual background. He would talk to me about love constantly. He would say to me, Kimmy, no matter what you love, no matter what God loves you.
So do daddy bill. So the little mom, but God loves you more always love, you know? And because God is love. And so he would always make sure that I knew about love and [00:30:00] instill that in me and some scriptures and some hymns. And I remember him praying in the middle of the night sometimes during the daytime.
And I said, gosh, I said, he is always praying. Maybe this prayer might work for me. So I remember it since braid. I just said a little childlike prayer. I never wanted anyone to ever feel. Sorry for me, even though I just, I felt like I didn’t have a voice. I just wanted someone to hear me. I wanted someone to know how I felt, but I never wanted anyone to feel sorry for me.
Like my resource teacher, when I told her about what I was going through. I didn’t want her to feel, I just want her to solve the problem. I didn’t want her to feel sorry for me. I just wanted her to not let me have to go off the resort at recess and continue to deal with that. But I said to God, in this childlike prayer and such grade that I just didn’t want to be different.
I knew that they knew [00:31:00] that I was different. I said, I want to learn. I want to be like the other kids. So touch me. Like I hear you. My dad taught us how, you know, talking to you. And it was a miraculous. I I’m, I, I can only explain it like that because from sixth grade to seventh grade testing, you would not know that I was in resource seventh and eight grade.
I was on honor roll every term, you would have to go back to my elementary school years and say, this is, this is, this is amazing. This is not the same child on paperwork because on paperwork, statistics said that I, that, that mild retardation that I would never read or write effectively and pretty much my first doctor’s appointment that they took me to, that I had that pediatrician all the way up until I was like 14 or 15 that I would be subject to abuse my own child because of what predicts, [00:32:00] how they categorize me, they labeled me.
And and back then you picked up on. I’m going to set a bad word again. That’s twice in this episode I need to get right with God. No, it really gets me mad that when you and I were growing up at, during that age, doctors were recommending sterilization of children. I mean, that’s just pure evil, but they were classifying me and you as old fit mother, not fit mother they’re alive and that’s just evil.
Right. Right, right. So my question was, do you remember that? Did he say that to you? Or was that not a known issue? No. No. Okay. Okay. I just want to know, cause that’s, that’s traumatic alone. That one thing. Yeah. But I was clear that on paper that I had been through I was more subject to give away one of my children or abuse one of my children.
Yeah. Because like you said, [00:33:00] back then, that’s how they diagnosed and categorized you. And there’s some, there’s some statistical truth numbers, a hundred percent. There’s learned behavior, there’s biblical truth with generational sins. Right. But it’s not a hundred percent, especially you have a family that loves you.
It’s not for everyone. Exactly. Exactly. If you have a loving family and resource teacher, somewhere in your life intervening, that’s what God uses to change your future and destiny. So, okay. So now you have this miraculous, literally miraculous, miraculous. And then where does life go there from there for Kimberly from seventh to eighth grade, it was, it was one of the best highlights.
I started feeling like I was part of a family feeling, feeling like the, the trust definitely was [00:34:00] being built with the, my, my, my mother and father that was raising me. I was still never getting any gifts or calls from my biological mother or father to, to assist there. I just want to put that out there that they were still part of my life.
No, never. Yeah. So eighth grade around 12 around 12, going on 13, there was an uncle that was part of my adopted mother and my doc my biological father’s life. They were, he was considered pretty much one of the other kids as their brother that was, was raised with them. So this was, this man was introduced to me as an, as an uncle.
And He came and our life. [00:35:00] Now this man had a history of doing prison time for molesting a an infant, but he came into our life with my adopted mother, as you know, him, her being the sister, the oldest sister of all of them. And he, I remember him coming and going to church with us and she was saying, oh, and you know what, Kim, this uncle he’s his birthday’s the same day as yours.
He’s a fool over you. He loves his self, some Kim. And he was very nice. Took me to the store would always get me candy and, you know, whatever I wanted and, you know, capital, you know, really capitalized on that part that my mom, you know, was saying that our birthday’s the same day. So we, he started going to church with us, you know, meeting us at the, at our house on Sunday morning, going to church, the one particular Sunday, he went to the alter and renewed [00:36:00] itself.
Not, not long after that. Sunday had happened that he renewed itself and got saved and joined that church. He was able to move in with. And I remember my mom having a conversation with my dad about it, and my dad, you know, gave her the okay. And, and I know they were talking about, because this wasn’t the scripture that we were told that once someone asked God to forgive them for their sins, there a new creature, all sins are passed away.
They’re, you know, they’re just, God gives you a clean slate. It wasn’t a good two months that he was there living with us, that he started molesting me, fondling me. And so it tour my I guess progress. [00:37:00] No, that’s an excellent word. You literally, we’re making progress. You’re finally progress down just back to, is this really happening to me?
What purpose? You know, and it really, it really confused me because here I’m at an age, I D I didn’t even have a, was that wasn’t even I didn’t get my menstrual cycle until after he left, but I’m, I’m still at an age where some things that he was doing was confusing me, that it felt good, but yet you’re telling me why you’re doing this, that you love.
And this is, you know, David, all, I all readily want it with somebody just to love me and show it. So I’m confused as is this, this is not right, but it isn’t right. You know? And so that happened [00:38:00] close to a year. So he was, he was telling you, I love you and all your wonderful. He was like, totally messing with my baby.
It’s nothing that I wouldn’t do for you. I love you. Yeah. Yeah. So when this all happened, how did it finally stop? Or did he, yeah, he, he finally found a as my, my adopted mom said a rurally woman that took about a church, but that was my ticket. And ironically, when he left, I was depressed. I was so sad.
It took me months to get myself together and they didn’t even know it because the tension was gone. Yeah. And you were miss wired, not through of your own, that kind of abuse, completely rewires the human, not even a child or an adult. I mean, [00:39:00] when you give yourself to someone. Yeah. As an adult, you’re joining together and there’s a bond made for attorney smooth when you’re a child being raped and you were neglected as a child.
So now you’re like, oh, this is a tension. I mean, there’s so many wires being crossed right now. Did you ever talk with someone about the molestation and or did he go off and just not, there would be your fault, but did he go off and continue to molest other people? Did you, were you able to talk about it and he get arrested?
Where did that story? No, I’m not sure. I just know the story about the, the, the, the, the infant, the baby long time ago, but I know that I never told my adopted mom until my father had my doctor, dad had passed away. I was grown and married to my second husband. When I finally told her I was starting. I started having nightmares.
I started as just the, besides the kissing in the [00:40:00] mouth and the funneling in the breasts. I started having difficulties with the second husband of mine with it was like a true. And I started dreaming, and this is what made me open. And I said, you know what, I’m going to have to tell her. I didn’t get to tell my doctor, dad.
Cause you know, I felt the guilt. I didn’t, you know, I, and I didn’t want him to have to deal with anything else. My adopted dad you know, feeling that burden of not being able to have protected me. It happened, this was right underneath their roots and why they were going to bed. And he was so manipulating about it.
What, by saying to them, oh, it’s a movie I want to show Kim. And I’m going to teach her about, you know what’s the the theme of the movie, or it was like a family movie or Christian movie or whatever. And I’ll make sure she goes to bed right after it. And just let her stay up. It wasn’t every night, but probably two or three nights out the week that [00:41:00] would happen.
And you know, I didn’t want to put that burden on my, my father. So like I said, after he passed away and when I started having those triggers in that the little anxiety and nightmares and stuff, I first told my husband at that time. And then I told my adopted mom. Yeah. And, okay, so we have a gap between when this happened and we moved out and you know, when you started dealing with it, cause that’s what happens.
A lot of people suppress it. Some people, it blacks out of their mind, they don’t remembering happened. And most people they’re shaming. Yeah, and there’s guilt and it’s not even shame and guilt. You need to bear. I mean, you were a child and this guy totally manipulated you. Right. So let’s continue with that story and we’ll go back.
But before, oh man, there’s so much to your story to unpack. I actually want to, I don’t know. I feel led to do this [00:42:00] now and then we’re going to continue, but there’s probably people who are emotionally connecting with you right now in the radio, check out and shut off the episode because it’s just too much, right.
For the little girl who’s been molested for the little boy who’s been molested for the child. Who’s been completely rejected, neglected. Like you abused before we go any further, what message do you have for them to give them hope? And like, where’s the step? Where do they start the healing? And then we’re gonna get to the adult child, like where you were married already.
You know, but for right now, if there’s children listening or teenagers listening, and they’ve had this horrific experiences, some of these, all of them, one of them, where do you suggest they start the healing accepting it, it did happen. It did happen. And you’re not responsible. It’s not your fault [00:43:00] except.
It wasn’t a dream. It Rez reality and it did happen. And it’s okay to know that is sad. It hurt. It was wrong. Not right.
Shouldn’t have happened. Not your fault, nothing that you could have done to change it,
but you can be better if you would just accept and embrace. God has so much more for you and to share, to speak openly, you have a right of how you felt. You’re angry. It’s okay to be angry. Don’t let that anger define you. [00:44:00] Now let’s talk about accepting because accepting is one of those loaded words, right?
In Christian circles, accept and forgive. Those are words that, like, for instance, this is perfect in your story. I’ve had discussions multiple times with people who say you need to forgive, and I’m like, I have forgiven, but I’m not a fool. There’s consequences for people’s sins. Right. And. I’d be negligent, like exactly what happened to you.
And I’m not saying your stepmom and dad were negligent on purpose. They had a good heart, but listen, man, the dude’s a molester, he’s a child molester. Right? Help him out. Don’t put them in your house with your kids. That’s the difference in if someone was truly repentant? I believe they’d be the first to say I don’t belong with a child or an alcoholic.
I don’t belong working at a [00:45:00] restaurant where I have access to help. Right. So I got to pull it together because I want to punch the fuck. I’m like, and so I get angry about this stuff because children are so innocent and pure. And then you have these idiot adults who are like, oh, forgive, it’s all forgotten.
It’s under the blood. It is. But even the Lord has consequences that we need to deal with. So these boundaries that need to be put in place. You’re again, you’re talking to children, who’ve been harshly and horribly abused when someone says, oh, just forgive and move on or just accept it and move on. That’s frustrating.
Give us a couple of steps to start accepting it in a biblical healthy way.
I would say the starting steps and it’s an accepting and a healthy way [00:46:00] is to protect. Sure self physically and mentally change, like you said before. I had to accept, first of all, my whole journey, my whole story that this actually happened, I never really viewed my story that has happened so sad until I wrote it down until I started really talking about this and understanding that I had carried the weight of people’s actions and behavior so long and felt responsible for it that I lost myself and that I have accepted that my journey hasn’t been a fairytale and still hasn’t ended up as a fairy tale, but I’m only responsible for what I do and[00:47:00]
how I live my life, how I choose to live my life. And I choose to live my life, knowing the difference from love and what is it, the, and that I have to fight for myself and not to feel that. There is someone out there that will fight for me because if I couldn’t find the love for myself to fight for myself, then I, every, every other places that I looked, you know failed me because I didn’t get that.
So even down to children or parents, that’s hearing this, that has had similar stories of this [00:48:00] rejection and abandonment and child molestation. When you want change, you’ll react to those changes and choose that best life for you, but also find that fight within yourself for yourself, do writing it words, speaking it, sharing it getting a mental on how provider, but fight for you.
And only you can do it only. You can choose that and make those changes, you know?
Yeah, no, that’s excellent. And then let’s pick up now. So you’re molested the scumbag, moves out, pick up your story for their. [00:49:00] So I believe that. And sorry, if that sounded insensitive, that’s just such a horrible, horrible thing to me. I believe that depression had went into, as you were saying, my first experiences sexuality was so confused and also a silent cry that I now I didn’t have my oldest sister.
I’m the only child in their home. It’s a strict home. I did have a couple of neighborhood friends, but at even doing the confusing of this sexuality, I could share with them. I could just only outwardly
React to how I was feeling at this. At this point in your life, you’re a [00:50:00] teenager. Did you feel like dirty? Did you, not that you are, but I’m saying, did you feel deceived? Did you feel dirty? Did you feel unworthy? And then did you find yourself drawn to be more promiscuous or drawn to be more? I don’t want to be with a guy.
Where did you fall? Because when kids are abused, they usually fall on one extreme or the other.
I had it all because I, I didn’t, I didn’t know. And I, and, and I’m in the household without any other kids. So I, I don’t know, I’m, I’m drawn to a sexuality that felt good, whether it was with a female or male, but I didn’t know, you know, how to express it or even to talk about it. You know, I just know that, and I want to backtrack because he never penetrated me.
[00:51:00] He scared the crap out of me when he showed me himself, but that every time that that would happen when it would get close to that, to the penetration I would run, but everything else from falling from every area in my, and all my body that happened. But I think even with that wasn’t even a trigger because this is the first time I’ve ever seen a man, you know a rat and I’m that young and it scared me, you know, so getting I’m almost 15 now, and I’m starting to get Attention, you know, from, you know, you know, boys around and everything like that.
And I remember seeing this guy that was coming back and forth in our area driving, of course, that was cool. You know, you see somebody driving and I was with a neighborhood friend and she’s still [00:52:00] one of my childhood friend now. She was saying, ah, they’re bad news. Anyway, make a long story short. He ended up lying about his age, but he was older and I started skipping school.
I was doing well in high school. But again, that foundation the sexuality was still, hadn’t been healed. Patent, been dealt with, hadn’t been exposed, hadn’t been treated. So I’m now I’m, I’m now looking at I’m now looking at these teenage feelings in a different lens of very confused and not knowing what I was.
So I was probably a little flirtatious. I probably was, but even so I could remember being scared to be vocal and I was skipping school and I remember. [00:53:00] I mean several times, I can’t even say couple of times that he would give me corner and we were about to go all the way. And I would say either my cycle’s get ready to come on or my stomach’s hurting or whatever, and it wouldn’t happen.
So this, this went on for several times. So eventually, and now mind you, I’m not talking to my adoptive family because they’re strict. They’re about, you know, church. They even had little names that you called your, your body parts that was in their era. And my kid and my, my childhood friends was telling me the right names.
You know, they were like, that’s not. And here, you know, my adopted mom was saying, if you get pregnant by, you know, you can get pregnant by swallowing the black watermelon seed. And, and, you know the intercourse, if a guy does something to you put, you know, his part in you, it a bust, [00:54:00] you ready to open and you’re have your feel like bumblebees his thing.
I mean, all of these kinds of myths, you know, so this is what I grew up in, but still, I, I, you can’t take that sensuality. You’re getting to be a teenager away that that’s just normal. So I remember this particular day, I was all excused. And I didn’t want to. I was at his uncle’s house, had a skip school again.
And that was how my virginity was taken. And he was out of school, found out he was I was 15, he was 1618, 19, 19 or 20. So the first time I had sex and he breaks my virginity, I get pregnant. Oh, wow. Okay. So now you’re in a home that’s ultra conservative your teenage pregnancy. Where does it go from there?[00:55:00]
That went to another storm. We can laugh now, but I’m sure you weren’t laughing there. Lord, that went to another store maybe because they were so active in their church that the, either the PA the pastor was my ended up being my pop hop. We had a meeting. We had to go over. I remember my adopted mom taking me over there to their house, to the parsonage and letting him know that I had, I had got pregnant, which was very humiliating.
But once again, my mind, all this is happening and it’s just, as you were saying, is wires is just going, like what in the world? W, you know, and now I’m, y’all’s images more important to me, more important than me, because I wouldn’t be at this man’s house, you know? And I, and I’m, I’m just, I remember even looking so sad because she’s like [00:56:00] she initiated the conversation.
She says, well Kim’s got something to tell you. And I’m just like, oh my God. You know, and I, you know, just had to come out. And so here and that, that in the seventies, you know, born in the seventies, it wasn’t, it wasn’t like it is now you’re you’re going to school pregnant. So it was already humiliating that I’m the oddball of people, knowing that I got pregnant.
And I had to go to school. Finally. I, it got to my I was back in communication with my oldest sister, cause we’re still in our hometown where I got adopted at and raised was still in my hometown where my biological mother and father could come and see me or see about me 15, 20 minutes tops. So all this is still in my hometown.
So my, in the high school years in junior high school, I got back connected with my siblings, [00:57:00] especially my oldest sister. So telling my oldest sister, I know that hurt her, that I got pregnant, you know, at 15. And I remember when I went to the doctor. Right after I had did cross country track. And I was very, you know, very tiny, you know, very small built.
And my mom saying to the doctor, you, you, you, you can’t be telling me that she’s pregnant. I’m, I’m still giving her baths negative pregnant where, and I was like 22, 22, 22 weeks or something like that. Like I was, I was really, really, really, really pregnant by the time I found out I had fainted and I went to the nurse and so she told me that she was going to tell him, you know, tell my dad that, you know, my adopted dad here, this is my hero.
This is the one that, you know, started this foundation about God and everything. So I remember her telling me that I would have to tell my, [00:58:00] my the pastor, my pop hop at that time, but she would come home. She would go and tell my dad. She said, and you know, he’s going to be upset, but I’ll tell him. So I knew when she told him David, that whole, the remainder of those months, I don’t think he knew what to say.
It was, he never said anything. He was just so solid, so I could feel the hurt. But at this time, my body’s changing, my mind is changing. I didn’t, I felt like I lost my dad. I felt like I lost another person in my life that I had built trust. He said nothing. Do the whole time. You ready to time that I was printing.
And now you’re saying, he said nothing about the pregnancy or nothing at all? Nothing to me. Oh, wow. It’s not even like, Hey, how are you? Two? It was just silence. He didn’t know what to do. And then now let me ask you another question too. That’s incredibly hurtful when I’m going to let you continue the story.
[00:59:00] But when you say. That’s a cultural thing. Was that like a godfather or was he physically related? Well, it was like their pastor for years. It was like a godfather relationship that they have that they had formed before they adopted me at this church and he ended up being my popup. Yeah. Gotcha. So there wasn’t just for listeners.
I just want to make sure we’re clear in America there’s different terms. I’m sure. In every country there’s different terms. But what Kimberly’s talking about is the relationship between the families is so close that it wasn’t just a pastor. They were like family, even though they weren’t to the point, which you call them Papa in which in America is like grandpa.
Yeah. So our Papa can be dad to a loving. Yeah. I just want to clarify that because I was a little confused. Was this guy blood or was he a godfather? So now I got you. We’re on the same page. So now you’re pregnant. You’re tiny with his baby inside of you there. Right. Which is a blessing, [01:00:00] but not under those circumstances is ideal.
Your daddy, isn’t talking to you because he doesn’t know how to deal with it. What’s it like with your mom at this point? Hands-on she, she, she, I, she said to me, I had to go to my therapist about, because that made me go and make some destroys and decisions that I did throughout my life. She said even if I was 12 years old, 13 years old, because I made that choice that I was going to have this baby.
They did not believe in abortions and that she knows that females deal, but that’s on them that they have to answer to God about. But regardless of the situation and how it happened, that I was going to have this baby and that I was a woman named. So she literally said to me, David, that now I know, you know, your birthday’s coming up, which you’ll be 16 years old.
You don’t get any more birthdays, [01:01:00] no birthday celebrations goes to you. It goes to the baby. Now you’re a woman. Now that changed my dog. That changed my mind. And just I, from then on, when she met, she had that, she made that declaration, she phrased and said those words I chose from that day on to do the best I could to be a woman.
And she said to fit the woman’s shoes.
Yeah. And that’s, I’m sure she didn’t want to say it either, but she was trying to give you tough love and to slap into reality, like, Hey, you’re bringing a human into this world. You need to right there. That was her intent. Correct? Yeah. It’s tough. That’s tough to hear. Yeah. Okay. So now [01:02:00] before we get into your pregnancy and having a baby, I want to go back for a second and this may come up in the future.
So you can say, I’ll talk, I’ll get there. Okay. Were you, you, your biological mother where you actually her child, is that why she rejected you where you not her child or she, she just, I just, for whatever reason, didn’t connect with you, I was a child. Okay. So you were legitimately her biological child, but was there a reason that she ever discussed with you?
Why she rejected you? She never gave up. She’s never gave me a reason. I asked her she’s never gave me a reason. I I’ve heard, I’ve heard stories. I’ve heard from other people and from my dad and from my adopted mom, that they were really heavy in church. And the holy spirit told her that I was supposed to been a boy.
Now, mind you, she already had the, the fi [01:03:00] the, the, the girl, the my, my oldest sister that this one was supposed to be boy. And she was so distraught that she had. The holy spirit, I guess, word and just disconnected her now. That’s the story that I got and I got that story repeatedly that she felt really ashamed and could not take that.
She missed the holy spirit sign and word that I, the second child that was being bought in the world by her and my father wasn’t the boy was a girl. Yeah. And that’s so sad cause that’s just such a lie and absolute, and it’s like, it’s, it’s horrible to hear that. And again, it just breaks my heart, so all right.
We’ll move past that then. Cause that’s her own issue she’s going to deal with and hopefully before she passes, you can get the truth. I mean, hopefully she can have healing and you can have healing. You can have healing together, but let’s [01:04:00] pick up your turn. 16. You’re pregnant. Where does Kimberly’s life go from there?
I want to share how though your mental how tragedy can mentally shut you down. So I remember being the youngest one at that hospital, having a child, she was born July 31st. I turned 16 August 13th and I couldn’t cry once again. And the doctors could see the pain on my face. Of course I had her natural and I could feel just like anybody else, any other mother, you know, the pain the contractions and stuff like that.
I just couldn’t cry. And I went through so much [01:05:00] mentally carrying her and my body changing and the mind. And what I now was told that I am, when the doctors put her in my arm. That’s I remember the doctor, you know, the first two doctors that I had from my children. I remember them their names. And I remember him saying to me when he put her in my arms was you can cry.
It’s okay. You can cry. And I just, I, I felt free to do it, but yeah, I wanted to share that because I don’t think people realize is that that healing and that mental status can go so far deep rooted that you, you know, you’re not even aware until you can go back and accept those things that you went through.
That you’re very traumatized, and this is why your body reacted the way it did. Yeah, thank you for sharing that, because that is huge. Not just mentally and emotionally, but even on the [01:06:00] lowest level physically. Yeah. You got to cry. It’s there’s happy tears. There’s pain tears, but it’s, it’s a necessity for humans.
And if you’re not crying, it’s not that, oh, look how tough you are. It’s not something. Yeah. So if you’re listening to this now, and you’re like, I haven’t cried in eight years, I haven’t cried in 20 years. I haven’t cried in a year. Right. There’s seriously something wrong with you. And I say that, I say that in a loving way, because I’ve been there.
Kimberly’s been there and it’s not a healthy place, so you’re not having, yeah. You’re not enjoying a full life, like on intended if you’re not crying and I’m not saying be a drama queen or king dinner, I’m saying a normal, healthy, balanced life. Yes. So your daughter puts the baby in your arms. You said as a little girl, what was it?
Oh, you don’t have to say her name, Courtney all. I’m like, I don’t want to say, wait a sec. So you have Courtney in your arms, you continue. [01:07:00] So I go home, you know, my mom is full throttle and she, she thinks that, you know, she, you know, she’s like, you are a new mom and I’m gonna, you know, and hands-on, and you know, I’m like, I got this.
I, I, you just tell me once I, I know what to do, I know what to do. So I, you know, got into the swing of things. And went back to school. And once again, in the back of my mind is doing what I’m a woman could deal. I felt. Very nonchalant about being a teenager that I I’m fully grown. I have a child and I gotta do what’s best for her.
So the, the father was in her life throughout me, you know, being pregnant, you know, and after I had the baby, matter of fact, he was there when I had the baby and I [01:08:00] started, you know, continuing to have sex with them. And I remember just like, it was yesterday, I started not even caring. So why should I I’m a woman, you know what I mean?
Who who’s, who’s gonna care about, you know this is, this is how I just pretty much made my life. And this is what as she would pretty much say. And R is an R term and I, and our household was when you make your bed hard, you lay in it. So, so I was laying in it and Good at doing whatever I want it to.
So after she was born that relationship started being physical. I remember jumping out the car from times he wanted to hit me running back and forth out of his, either his cousin’s house or his mom’s house, because he wanted to [01:09:00] put his hands on me and I’m feeling like I’m in love. So wherever he goes, I want to be right underneath him.
To, and party’s thinking this is normal because that’s how you grew up. You watched it, you watched your dad hit your mom, which is completely unacceptable. Also unacceptable for a mom to hit a dad. Let’s just throw that in there. Cause I’ve seen abuse go both ways. But the thing is, you’re thinking this is partially normal, even though, you know, it’s wrong.
So right. When did it click like this is, this has got to stop it didn’t then it just continued until one day I said to my mom I was in 11th grade and I said I’m going to get a job. I’m going to quit school when she said, okay, so I did. And I got a job and the abuse started getting worse and worse until [01:10:00] I do remember saying.
Now were you living with him at this point? Or were you living with your parents still? I was, I was back and forth. Sometimes I ended up leaving and living with him and his mom and, you know, we start wanting to hit then and, or we would go to stay over a couple of nights with his cousin. So and then I would, you know, go back home and, you know, my mom would be talking about, you know, stop running in and out, you know, stuff like that.
You got to get yourself together and I’m, I’m just trying to get you the pattern of what had happened, you know, as far as the, the steps and, you know, in between yeah. We were back and forth and I believe what really broke me to really get away is his, his cheating. I remember saying to my mom that I remember him having [01:11:00] another girlfriend or expecting another baby at the time that I got pregnant again by him.
And this wasn’t, this was 10 days. And within two years of me having my second child by him. And I remember just as that’s like, it was yesterday when she was saying you were on pills, you didn’t use it. And I was like, yeah, I was, I don’t think I was taking them. Like, I, I, I, that conception came in. I. I really didn’t care.
I was very careless. I didn’t care whether I got pregnant or not. I didn’t care because I felt like who, who cared at this point? I’d a made up or the made the hell of my life of having a child at 15, you know, prior to that, you know, stuff that, that happened that I never shared to my mom and dad, you know?
So why, so, [01:12:00] and I’m guessing that the numbness you were experienced in this area was in all areas of your life, correct? Just a complete numbness, not caring. No, not in all areas, but this, this particular time it was, oh, wait, hold on. I want to make, I don’t want to speak for you. So at this particular point in your life where you numb to everything, or just this one topic,
I believe like to everything. Okay. Yeah, that, that’s what I was, that’s what I thought I was hearing, but I don’t want to put words in your mouth. It’s usually we’re not isolated. We don’t compartmentalize feelings like that. It’s just like, you know, full hatred of ourselves, whatever you want to call it.
And you’re not just shutting down. Yeah. And I said to her about the because this is my first experience with, you know, a guy and, you know, cheating and everything. And she said, oh, The only two men type of men that don’t cheat [01:13:00] as the ones that can’t because of physical conditions and th and, and, and men, this debt, there’s the only two that don’t and moralized, you’re just getting filled with lies the whole line.
So I was just like, wow. So I think that kind of stemmed for me being with them a little bit longer than what I should, because of this, you know, advice that I got. And then I just completely got tired. One of the women that he started dating, she was out of this, out of the, out of the world. This was a match for him.
And so she felt I was a threat or whatever. And, and that really sealed the deal of me really getting away from him now, by this time I’m pregnant by him with my second child, but we ended up not being together at the time of her birth. I ended up dating someone and he was in the military and I said to my mom, when [01:14:00] I was working, I don’t think he knows that my pregnant, because I was sitting behind the desk.
She said, well, before you go out with him, if he’s asking you out, you need to tell him you got his number. And I was like, yeah, she said, well, next time you call him, don’t have him surprise. And, and she asked me, what did he say? And I said, I, he said, he knew that I was pregnant and he just wanted to still be there for me.
Anyway, we started conversating and I was telling my mom, you know, about this man. And you know what, he, and he was a very good person. But she was in that era where if he came, he had a military background and he was in the military and then he accepted me with two children. This is the man that I should marry, regardless whether I’m old enough to marry or not.
I, this is one that should, should be in my life to take care of me. So they signed for me to get married to this man before I was 19. Well, 18. Yeah, I was just Marilyn or Delaware. Where were you living? [01:15:00] Maryland. Okay. So you got PR parental consent. They were illegal guardians. And you got married before 18?
Yes. Yeah, that didn’t last a year, but like I said, he was a very good person. And I remember doing one of those incidents that my ex, which was my, my two girls father. We never had any kids together, but my two girls father the girlfriend at that time was still bothering me or whatever.
And he, I mean, he stood up for me and I remember that feeling of such gratitude because I always yearned. Now you’re in debt from my biological mother and my biological father. But when you get it, it’s like, it’s overwhelming. See someone that, you know, that mistake [01:16:00] and you’re in fourth. So yeah, I had so many, I had so many describe when we’re lacking something in our life.
It’s sort of like if you took a match and threw it on the green grass, the match is just going to go up. But when that grass is dry and starving for water, right. It’s really, Hey, here’s you put a match on it. The whole field goes up in flames. So that was emotionally when he was like, you used the term protecting you and standing by you and sticking up for you when he was doing that.
That just sets you on fire all again. Yeah. Yes, yes. Yeah. Yeah. So but like I said, it didn’t last a whole year. And in that, that he, wasn’t a good person. We both wasn’t ready. I, I wasn’t ready for marriage. He wasn’t ready for marriage, but again, you know, my parents seen differently, so we got a [01:17:00] divorce.
I got a place where, you know, my two girls and continued on with my life dating, seeing other men. And I ended up. Repeating cycles of seeing older men. And I really believe what I was looking for was that validation and that trust that I had in my, my father. Yeah. That, I mean, I don’t want to be crude, but they call it daddy issues.
Yes. Girls, you look for older men and they don’t even realize they’re doing it. They really want somebody to support them and take care of him and love him. Right. And men actually, there’s a lot of scumbag, men who pray and they look for that. Yes. They abused girls who were needing and not needing in a bad way, but they, they want that love and they see it and they exploited.
Exactly. So I did date one that was older than me. And then that ended [01:18:00] four. And then I felt that I had made such a mess in my hometown here. My biological mother, I’m still staying there and my siblings and I ran, I went to Baltimore. I Contacted a childhood friend that was going to college in Baltimore and asked, could I, you know, come stay with her and mind you, I had my own place too, but I said to my mother, my adopted mom and my dad at the time, just keep my girls for a month, not even a month, just I’m going to get a place.
I got to go, I got to move. And, and, and they agreed and they didn’t say any questions, you know, they agreed. And I went to Baltimore, but I do know I ran so that everybody else could have a life. I didn’t want to deal with any issues. I didn’t want to deal with running into my biological mom and still yearning for her acceptance and, and, and [01:19:00] wanting a relationship with me.
I didn’t want him to run into any of my siblings and there wasn’t, they were missing an action half of my life when I had all these kids, you know, so I just, I just said, I gotta get outta here. I just gotta go. So I met my second husband in Baltimore and he was 11 years older than me. And I never forget introducing him to my, my mom, my adopted mom.
And That and her know that he was, you know, how his age and everything and that he didn’t have any kids. And that was like a bells to her ears because she’s like, and he’s gonna accept you with two kids. Oh, you, you that’s who you have to marry. That’s that’s who that’s, who will take care of you. And he’s an older man, too, not too many men.
It’s gonna, you know to take care of you and accept you with two kids. That’s not his own. And so I remember saying to her, okay, you know, I’m going to get married. He asked me to marry him. And [01:20:00] the day that I went to her house, she had, she had orchestrated the whole wedding. She had got all the bridesmaids dresses.
She never told my biological siblings, my biological mom, she had, she had who she wanted there. And ironically, she had my biological dad being the pastor there, being the preacher to marry us and my adopted dad giving me away. So that was it. It was so twisted, but mentally I was. Whatever they want, whatever I can feel like I’m doing the best decision or the best choice for everybody else to help hopefully turn my life around.
So it won’t look so freaking bad
at this point. I don’t even care. So I’m sitting down, [01:21:00] let her vanity, and I remember putting jewelry on and everything. And I said, I don’t know about this. I don’t know. And I was getting one of those cold feet, but I’m looking at just like, I’m feeling a glimpse of my life of, of something’s just not right.
I shouldn’t do this. And she said, oh, these people that I invited, she said, I’m gonna tell you something. You’re going to get married today. She said, and you’ll learn to love them. If you don’t love them. My mom always used to tell me you don’t marry the one that you love. You married. The one that loves you.
And this is what I got. So I got married and he was a good provider, but he started the physical abuse. Like you said, he was older, 11 years older than me. He never seen me outside of 19, going on 20. I’m very controlling, very possessive. I was like a kid to him and he knew this. And so any type of independence that I would try to get, like when I went back, went back to school, [01:22:00] it was.
It was, it always ended up physical and mentally torn down. He would say a comment all the time. There’s nobody going to love you. Like, I love you. No, one’s going to accept you with these many kids, you know? So it would always tear my self worth down because it was never built on a solid foundation.
I had to, I had to reinvest in myself and build myself worth, because this is, this is what happened. Yeah. And whether he realized it or not, he was programming you. He was programming you. Nobody’s gonna love you. Nobody’s going to accept you. And it was just control to keep you under his thumb. Yeah. Yeah.
Wow. So, okay. So where does this go? This doesn’t sound like it’s going to end well. So I that, that, that, that marriage was the longest marriage out of the four. And I stayed with him and like I said, he was a good provider. We had very nice houses at one time, [01:23:00] every business that he went into, franchise business, I supported him.
I was really a level headed somebody in my, in my twenties consumed my life with my kids. I didn’t go to parties. I didn’t go to clubs. It’s just my, my children was my world and meet him. And we had two children together. So I had the two and then me and him had two together. And I started with the girl, his first daughter, and then our son.
And but like I said, the longer that I got into the relationship and the more I wanted independence, he would rule me back. As you said, programming and say, you know, you’re only can come up to this up to my job on this day and this time don’t come up here, no other time or day. If I changed my hairstyle, it was a fight.
If I doubt if I died this stuff, I, you know, so it was just he was around [01:24:00] when my, unfortunately my father passed away in 97, he was the one that woke me up and told me. And so we were in Baltimore, I was married and that loss really. Did another pivotal point in my life, because that was my first experience.
As a, as a loss of someone that I built trust in that I knew loved me without a doubt. And I remember when he was getting word all the way to Baltimore, that he was putting his hands on me. I remember him sitting down calling for both of us and sending us down and saying to him, Manny, now I’m hearing that you put in her hands on.
I don’t even do that. But if you’ve got to put your hands on her, you can bring her back home. You don’t have to put your eggs on her. You know? So I remember, you know, once again, that, that light that you were saying that matches what’s like for me, and I’m losing it, I done lost it at 97. And it was, it was very hard.
I went into a [01:25:00] depression and that was not too long after our sexual intimacy started getting experiencing those challenges with my uncle and that, that was after my dad’s death. Yeah. So now that kind of pillar of strength and you knew there was unconditional love and you had trust in a man really at that point, that was the only man you’ve had that good relationship with now he’s gone.
So now it opens up these wounds and the vulnerability. So take us from there. What were you experiencing and how did you get. So, like I said, when I started having those nightmares and I told my husband at that time, then about it, and then I told my adopted mom, and the only thing she said, she only, she did only what she knew.
She just said, oh my [01:26:00] gracious. If your dad knew he would have killed him. But that was it. I was looking for more, but at least I told her, you know, so, and I just said to her, yeah, you’re, you’re, you’re, you’re probably right. You know? And we, I think we went on to another conversation, but my anxiety and my impulsiveness with all that coming to a head just got worse.
And here I’m not in a healthy relationship. God is turning that around where, because of the type of man that I had married he had lost the business. He had lost the franchise and we had lost everything and had to come back home to our hometown. I’m like in a very I’m not in a good place. [01:27:00] And this is when I started understanding that mentally something is something’s wrong.
And as, as, as if I continue to go this way, I’m not going to live the best life that I can. But what I tried to do was until I got into another marriage was compensate my fear and my
unhealthy living to my kids, everything, everything that I try to do, I try to build that of, I never want my children to feel that I wasn’t there, that I would abandoned them, that they would feel what I have felt. So I overcompensated my life and just drought into the [01:28:00] ministry and being there for my kids.
If that sounds, if, if you can understand what I’m saying. Yeah, absolutely. You were finding something you could control pouring your life into it and ignoring the things that hurt. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So then what continued that you come home and it’s not like you’re the Victor, you’re at a low in life. So there’s, again, the humiliation, the shame, not that it’s deserving, but that’s probably what you’re feeling and you come home bringing back even more memories.
So what happens to you from there? Kimbra so I answered the call into the ministry and like you said, that was where I felt safe after. There was a purpose. Now talk about that. Like you just kind of jumped into that thought. What are you talking about? You accepted the ministry, what ministry? The call to, to minister, to, to preach [01:29:00] the gospel?
I I, yeah. Okay. So yeah, let’s back up, make sure the listeners are understanding. So your life is in shambles and you’re going to church and you hear, or you feel led that God’s telling you to devote your life to ministry telling people about his love. Is that correct? Yes. Okay. I just want to connect that, connect that branch, and I’ve always felt that calling, but never to that strongly until.
And that’s when I accepted and I ended up going to pop up. I ended up going to him and and actually letting him know what I’m, what I’m experiencing and what I, what do I do now? And he led me to this the first step that when you’re called, no matter if you’re in a pulpit or not, you’re called you, you, you just have to answer to it.
And he’s, I remember him saying now, Kim, you don’t, you [01:30:00] can’t wear your heart on your sleeves, but of course I did. But I ended up doing my trial sermon right under the pastor and I invited, you know, my adopted mom was there. My I called for my birth mom to be there. She, she was there. So
I as you said, you know, I drove into that. I put my all and and my children now it did not stop what was going on in my relationship, my personal relationship, if anything, it brought it to a head because we wasn’t on the same page. And this is not a person that I needed to be in my life. And so things started getting worse and our marriage ended [01:31:00] and I remember having to come out of the conference because of, I wanted support with having a divorce and also support from leadership after awhile.
Now my Papa, he had passed away and we have other leaders now coming in the church. But I went to one particular one and to ask for support, to tell him, to talk to, you know, my husband about putting his hands on me and he did everything else, but give me the support. One thing he he’s, he questioned was I doing what I was supposed to be doing at home to avoid this?
Was I giving him sex? Like that? Wasn’t a recent, yeah, yeah. That’s no, that’s no boy. No, that’s not right. Yeah. So I ended up coming out the conference because I seen the support wasn’t going to be taken and what wasn’t going to be given. And then what put it to a head. I was, [01:32:00] I was pretty much told after pastoring a church debt.
If I did come out and get a divorce that I would be looked at differently, not the same with a husband and that people would not take me seriously. I would have to dress like a school mom or whatever that meant. But pretty much if I wanted to. Continue to be in that conference and to have an a standing upstanding title or whatever we looked at or be, you know accept it.
I would have to stay in a marriage and, and, and, and, you know, yeah. So what happens at that point? Like where do you go from there? I chose to, to ask for honorable discharge and come out, come out the conference. And so therefore I came out the conference and [01:33:00] I wasn’t, you know, still a minister, but not being able to probably, you know, preach in their pulpit or in their, in their conference.
Yeah. And a lot of people do like a lot of there’s so many churches. When you say the word church, it has a different emotional charged everybody. Some people it’s positive. Some people it’s a negative. Everybody has a different experience with what type of church, what background, and a lot of churches.
And, you know, if someone gets divorced, they don’t feel as though that person should be in ministry anymore. And that’s, we, we don’t have to discuss that because everybody has their own opinion on it. But I believe the Bible, I believe you follow it. The Bible says, and that’s the standard to me. Right. So now you’re how old at this point.
I’m in my case, you’re still in your twenties, late twenties. Okay. So where does your life go from there? Let’s catch you up to today. So then I get married again to someone in [01:34:00] the ministry that was total. Oh Lord. That didn’t even last for months, but it was because I felt that let me do something different this time.
Let me hope, you know, basically marry someone that’s connected with God. Like I am, and it was terrible. It was like he was a Wolf and sheep. And so that was, you guys have any kids together? No, we didn’t have any kids together. And the, the, the hurt, the, the, the, the, the distress that I went through and that marriage that was more emotional and mental then physical.
So I could speak on both parts that there, one just as bad as the other. Yeah, they are. They are, they’re both equally bad. Now, at what point now you’re in three marriages. You dated a guy had two kids. You’ve been sexually abused. You’re banned. And by her [01:35:00] parents, essentially, at what point do you see I’m in a repeating pattern and this needs to stop then that marriage that’s.
When I went to a mental health provider, And I was really broken. I was coming out of it and I said to her, basically what you were saying, I’m repeating and something’s wrong. Something’s wrong? What is something’s wrong with me? Am I crazy? Wasn’t I was saying to her, am I crazy? And so she brought out a pen and paper and she started, she said, let’s go all the way from the beginning.
And she told me from the beginning when I you know, shared with her in the beginning of what was going on what had happened in my childhood and what took our relationship to another level and trust is she said exactly what you said. And a couple of other people that I have [01:36:00] shared my story that I, this was the first time I’ve ever heard someone say this.
And she said first let me stop and apologize to you. I’m sorry that you had to go do that as a child and be, take that choice away from you and not be, stay raised with your mother and father, like you wanted to, but this is the two people that you only knew that you started off with. Let me, let me say that.
And I just broke. I broke because this is the first time I’ve heard this. See my, my, my resource teacher. She didn’t know. About the, she didn’t even go into it. She’s an educator. She didn’t know how my parents got me. She just knew that they had me and I was there.
Yeah. And back then, even today, so many people aren’t, [01:37:00] they have, I actually growing up when we did with your resource teacher, her not knowing and not addressing, it was probably better than somebody coming in with a piece of, they have 1% of a hundred percent knowledge and they try to like be an expert.
So that’s actually probably a blessing. Yeah, it probably was. But I’m just letting you know you, you know, everybody to understand the, the setup. Yeah. So this is the first time I’m actually getting from another female. That’s looks different from me. This is my first mental health provider as a Caucasian older woman.
And I just broke in front of her. And I, I, I mean, I can tear up now because I remember just sobbing because she was basically saying your feelings are valid and I’m so sorry. You had to deal with this by [01:38:00] yourself. You know? And we’re going to get through this. She said, it’s okay. But I want you to understand your triggers and wants you to understand why you make these impulsive decisions and what you’re looking for.
And what I was looking for David was validation and acceptance and love. And it’s not from everybody. Everybody doesn’t get that. Yeah. And so what’s this journey look like. So there’s people on the edge of their seat. They’ve been listening to you, they’re connecting with you. They feel the same way.
They’ve been through some of the same type of circumstances. What does the journey to wellness look like? Kimberly? Like what were the steps you had to take, which I’m sure were not easy. They weren’t instant. And they took, you know, they were painful, right. But what did you have to do to get well, I had to stop and reinvest in myself.
I had to reinvest in Kim and learn to love Kim, the flaws [01:39:00] and everything. I had to really accept, do this process. I lost myself. I didn’t even know about loving myself. All I wanted to do was be loved, but the first key is I had to love me to be left. I was so busy trying to get validation and acceptance to be.
That I missed, I’m worthy to, to be loved. You know, I was created to be loved the right way, the loving way, the healthy way. Not, not being hurt, not being belittled, not being abused, not having to compromise, not having to buy love, but [01:40:00] to naturally be loved just how I had been created, you know, and I had to accept my flaws and, and, and, and, and just the wonderful creation that God has created me as my personality.
I had to reinvest in myself like, like you said, we all have different personalities, but until I reinvested in myself and understood my personality, I’ve always had a kind spirit. I’ve always been a loving person. I have not ever been aggressive. I, I shunned to aggressiveness. I don’t like confrontations.
This is my origin. This is what my foundation has been built on. And I had to reinvest in myself and say, Kim, this is just a part of you. So when you detect or you feel that aggressive, that’s not what you need in your life. That’s not healthy. Instead of you [01:41:00] I’m embracing that because that is your new norm or what you have seen that is not normal.
So I had to that’s the steps that I had to do is get away from what I believe that was Mormon, that was unhealthy and create a normal healthiness for me. Yeah. And let’s get to the, this is good. The nitty gritty, just because you’re dealing with this, that doesn’t mean you stop being a mom. That doesn’t mean you stop having family.
You have to work, you know, there’s, there’s normal life. Like, you know, you see, we see these shows, I’m just going to pick one up the biggest loser. I don’t even know if it’s on the air anymore, but you have people with huge amounts of weight and they go on the show in a few weeks. They lose us like incredible amount of weight, but they had nothing else distracting them.
It was total focus. Right? Ladies and gentlemen, what [01:42:00] Kimberly is describing and what many of us go through. And if you’re listening now and it’s you, we might be 600 pounds of emotional baggage. And that’s why if you can get to a place where it’s like, I’m not saying go meditate in a commune in the woods.
Right. But what I’m saying is if you can get time away to really just commute with God and get the mental health health help you need, there’s nothing wrong with. And then you continue the journey, but how did you do this while you were engaged in still in normal life? Quote, unquote, normal. I had to choose it for me because I remember making those decisions, getting up that wasn’t working and choosing it for my, my children and still being abused, still feeling mentally anguished, depress, the stirrup [01:43:00] filled with anxiety, nervous as hell.
Didn’t want to eat sometimes wanting to eat everything
seriously. But I was like, I had to choose. This is not even for my children. And I got a net now, six year old and I tell people I don’t wake up choosing this for her. I choose at first for me because I know she’s going to benefit from it. Yeah. You can’t give what you don’t have. So if you don’t have that love, you can’t get that.
I saw, I choose it for me. And I do know everybody else in my inner circle, which is my children will benefit from it once I choose for me. But I had to make that step, like you said, to choose for me. And when I had to write the. I had my mental health therapist on call, like you said, I still had to work.
I still had to be a parent. I still had other things that, you know, I wanted to do [01:44:00] personally in my life, but I had to choose to make steps for a better me. And that was incorporating and understanding what was the, what was, what was, what I was doing with the cycles that I was doing and the techniques that I was using before it wasn’t working, wasn’t working.
No one should. And I’m still in my hometown, David, but I remember four or five years ago coming as a parent guilt, going to a grocery store, still with a little anxiety or impulsiveness looking around, is this the day that maybe I’ll see my biological mother or one of my siblings or what’s going to happen?
Or is this one of the Xs I’m going to see? Exactly. Exactly. And what, and what am I going to say? If I see her, what, what can I say to keep her [01:45:00] talking to me? And maybe this might be the day too, that she will say, you know, and really mean we’re going to get together and we’re going to build a relationship till now I’m free of.
That is not my responsibility. That is beyond my control. If I see her, I see her, but I don’t, I don’t a say, but I remember living that way. Yes. And people, places that should be neutral, like the grocery store or places that may be positive, like church, right. You’re now visiting them in terror and panic and anxiety and stress.
And it’s stealing your joy there. So what did you, yeah, joy and peace. Oh, they go along with all the fruit of the spirit, but yeah, the most important things at pleasing God and having joy and peace and then passing them onto our children and family and friends, even strangers. I mean, love, God love thy neighbor.
Right. But what did you [01:46:00] do each day? Like you’re working with your mental health counselor. You’re working each day and it’s, you know, how do you eat an elephant one bite at a time? It’s a lot of work, but what were the things she was teaching you? So each day you tweaked your life a little bit better. A little bit better.
Like I said starting, choosing to build my own self esteem and confidence in me. And how did you do that? How did you do that? Did you like journal, then look at what you journaled and say, okay, this is the lie. This is the truth that you have. You read certain books. What were the practical steps that helped you to well, Yeah, well, she asked, she had me read some and right, right.
She always knew that I liked to write, cause I was telling her during my that second marriage I would write I would keep journals and she said, continue to write, continue, write every night and just [01:47:00] write how you feel. And I would because she knew how my background was with music and I still do that.
Now I’ll just have my playlist on Amazon, just going from gospel to R and B to jazz or whatever, and just, you know, let the, the music embrace, you know, embrace me. But any positive things that we talked about that and then I started incorporating, as I started finding out more about myself and, and going out and actually knowing that if I don’t like to exercise them, I’m not an exercise person.
Well, let me try just a nature walk and see if I like that. That’s, that’s healthy. That’s positive. And that’s, that’s what I did. And I started incorporating that into my schedule. I love it, but I had to make steps and I had to choose to do them. And then I had to just on them. I had to do them. It’s it’s, it’s [01:48:00] quite a difference when you talk about it and say, this is what you’re going to do, and you don’t want.
When you make a choice that you want a better life, you actually put that work in action. I wanted a better connection with God and the decisions that I made and to fill my heart with more love that wouldn’t turn bitter or wouldn’t recognize Trula in the future, but be ready for it be healed. So I knew that I had to build my connection with God more.
So what I do is I don’t, I don’t wait to go to church every morning. I have a talk, I have my S I sharpened my spiritual, my spiritual connection, you know? And so I do the work and it’s not, it’s a progress. It’s a process and progress both, but it’s not, I don’t want people to think or look at [01:49:00] me as that this happened overnight.
I had to put the work in because I had decided one day I am not going to live like this. It’s not healthy for me. And I am not going to have my last child here on earth to see that it’s okay. It’s okay to be in a relationship that is hurtful and abusive. No, it’s not. Okay. And it’s okay to know your self worth and know who you are.
And learn who you are, even if it’s late in the game, you know, but for them to see, by example, I had to make this choice. I couldn’t leave it to them to make the choice for me. I couldn’t leave it for my adopted mom. She’s still living to make the choice for me. I had to make the choice for myself to choose, to want a better life, to have this life that God said [01:50:00] about an abundant life.
Peace. I give you peace. I leave with you. And so I say so many times is I fight hard to have peace and I fight hard to keep peace and they are work. This is a work in action to do those things.
When I feel like I had to learn when I feel like if I’m, if something didn’t go right on my job or something made me sad, or I think I’m getting overwhelmed or, or too. Too much is going on from one into another either. The adult children are having and having some difficulties here and I’m trying to deal with some household things or finances or cause we all live in a type of life.
And if things change things, change, nothing stays the same. I, I I’m, I, I invested in myself so much that I recognize [01:51:00] and I say, I make my I’m responsible or my own actions. I said, I will socially drink when I’m about to celebrate because you know what? I know me and I know myself and I don’t want to use alcohol or that feeling when I’m feeling overwhelmed.
But once again, we’re talking about, these are choices that I had to make for me. Yes. And those are healthy choices. I know I, this sounds silly, but like with you like alcohol. Obviously the best policy is don’t drink. He can’t come in alcoholic. Right? Right. In the Bible talks about moderation and balance.
We talk, don’t be given to excess and don’t drunken. So clearly drunkenness is sin, but drinking, some people think it is some people it’s not I’m, I’m the kind of guy I grew up in an Italian American home. It was wine’s wine. [01:52:00] You have it with a meal, but if you get drunk, you’re an idiot. You know? So I grew up with a different mindset.
Everybody has a different mindset about alcohol, but obviously air on the side of caution. But like you, whether it’s alcohol or cigars or sleeping or whatever it is, if you’re enjoying it, you know, Ecclesiastes he’s talks about enjoying the fruit of your labor. Right. But if you’re using it to deal with stress as a crutch, that’s dangerous red flag.
We need to wake up and see what we’re doing. And it can be stress. It can stress, the stress can lead us to alcohol, drugs, pornography. It can lead us to all sorts of habits and sins. So we all, all of our listeners, myself, you, we all need to, self-reflect see, where are we at? What are we doing and why? Right.
So that’s great that you are learning like alcohol for me. Bad. No, no, no. I know when I’m going to do it. Exactly. Yeah. So keep going. So now you’re learning, you’re growing. Bring us through that point in [01:53:00] your life. And choked by choice, the single single parody and Healy. And now was there a fourth net?
You mentioned a fourth marriage and I have down in my notes that the third one was the guy in ministry that lasted four months. Where was the fourth marriage? And where did that fit in your, okay, so the fourth marriage was with and I have a daughter by him. The, the last one we got married in my late thirties, thirties, 140 something.
And we were not the same page good person. But he had a drug and alcohol. He was functional alcoholic and our life just wasn’t on the same page as far as [01:54:00] very goal-driven I don’t like to be content with just media, you know, moderate or whatever. And that really taught me this last mirror.
It’s really taught me even with the decision that he made as far as, you know, drugs and alcohol. I’m not a user. And I, I, and I, I, like I said, I social during, but I don’t want to abuse the, I know the difference. And even though, you know, the marriage ended and we have a beautiful daughter together.
It had really showed me about myself, of wanting to be in a marriage or in a relationship just to fill a void and not even knowing at this person is [01:55:00] really meant for me, or really compatible to me and my future. I had to learn, and that one really took the icing on the cake. It’s now okay. To date is okay to find out about another person’s past how there was brought up, because that does make a difference sometimes in their adult decisions and their lifestyle, just like it made a different in mine.
I am. Once I got adopted, I was. Shown teamwork. I was shown you work hard to get what you want. I was shown stability. I was shown that you pay your bills. You pay them on time. You, you, you, you, you work as a team to, to go on [01:56:00] family events and you get nice things because you work hard for them. You know?
So a lot of times we go into relationships or we, I can say for me, by not taking the time or feeling like we have to impulsively make a decision or rush into a decision because we don’t want to be alone and want to fill that void of having a husband or having a companion and not knowing even if they’re the right fit for our life.
If that makes sense. So I have, I have been able to been excited with my journey and my season that I am now that it’s okay for me to learn about people and who will benefit or be an asset to my world. Like I am too there’s. Yeah. And a lot of people are listening now and they know, like, [01:57:00] I know exactly what Kimberly’s talking about and there’s other people who’ve been married.
They got married when they’re 18, they’ve been married 40 years. I’m like, what, what is she talking about? They don’t understand, but this is the deal. This is what I believe. I think it’s biblically. If we’re still here, if we’re breathing, if you’re hearing our voice, our life’s not finished, right?
Kimberly’s not finished. She’s not fully developed. I’m not finished. I’m not fully developed. You’re not finished and fully developed. Or if we took a break and came back in a year, in five years in 20 years, we’d be like, looking back at this moment saying, you know what, since then this is what I learned.
Right. But this is where we are today. And this is Kimberly sharing her story. And it’s like, super, there’s so much or unpacking. Thank you for sharing this with us because it’s really going to help people. So now you get in this fourth marriage, it ends bring us from there to today, and then we’re going to transition to where you’re going so we can hopefully help you get there.
And now that you’ve helped us for so [01:58:00] long. Okay. So yeah it ended and we have a beautiful daughter together and I am definitely and living the best of my life right now and allowing God to really feel me with the. The wisdom and the knowledge and the healing process that I needed to journey through and embrace that as you were saying.
And I was just smiling because I know it’s not the end. And all that I went through was to, to learn from, and to be able to be a sound sounding, voice to other people that you don’t have to be ashamed of, any decision, any choice or any situation that you have [01:59:00] been in. But none there there’s a lesson.
There’s a reason for everything that we go through. There’s a purpose. And if we went through it, we’re definitely able to speak on it and know that we don’t have to feel like we are defined by it. We don’t have to feel like that’s the end. And we’ll be nothing. Everyone that’s put on this earth has a purpose.
And I say, Strongly. No, one’s a nobody. I don’t care how you feel your life has ended or, you know, has been, and made some choices that you feel like they are, this is the end. This is what I, I had the cards, a deck. This is, this is it. But [02:00:00] if it’s not fulfilling you and it’s not putting you in a healthy place and where you know that you’re supposed to be in, though, you have to make a choice for yourself to better yourself, to better your life.
And that’s exactly what I’m doing now. I’m living one of the best life that I can live because I started with the truth. I’m very genuine and authentic is nothing shameful of anything that I’ve said, anything that I’ve felt I’ve done. And I’ve accepted it. And I’ve also accepted. Was there choices that I could have made differently?
Yes, but I didn’t. And here I am and I’m ready and willing to work on myself every day to get the best of life, best the quality of life that I can do. Everything goes perfect in my life. No, and everything is not going to go perfect in anyone’s life because we don’t live in a perfect world. But what we can do is believe that we have the control of our actions and [02:01:00] behave.
And responses once you understand that and choose to live without regrets of that, what anybody else do and say, or behave will not, will just roll off because you’re, you’re taking that responsibility away from you. And that’s what I dealt with for, for years is carrying on the responsibility of other people’s actions and behaviors and what they say.
I can’t, I can’t, we can’t burden that, but what we can do is live a life that, and choose that life. That’s better for us, a quality of life that we know that whatever choice, behavior and actions we can, if we allow God to help us and we help ourselves because he, he’s not going to force you, you know, we all have free will when we help ourselves by taking some steps and [02:02:00] actions, then you’ll be hopefully able to give your, your testimony and share your journey.
But sharing your journey comes with a price of truth and genuine and authentic happiness and, and, and holding on to that. And being courageous enough to say, I’m, I’m wanting the number that’s going to try, and it’s going to do. Best foot forward now I’m will I stumble sometimes? Yeah. But giving up and, and falling down and late and staying there is not an option.
And when you take those options away, the choosing, this is not what I’m going to do, that I don’t even speak that even my house of failing or are, are, are falling and, and staying there, we get up, we put another foot. If you got a call up, [02:03:00] you get up and, and, and do and make those changes that you have to do.
Whether they’re your environment take one day at a time, changing your viral tension and the people in your circle, you know, all of it then starts coming full circle back to you. You have to make that choice. Yeah. And that’s, that’s actually a great segue over because I was just having a conversation and we were talking about demons and we were talking about angels and we’re talking about ghosts.
Right. And I’m like, okay, well, biblically, when Satan fell, he took a third of the angels with them, those angels or demons, we don’t know how many there are, but there’s a third of the angels fell, chose St. Over God, they’re damned, but they’re on the earth. Except the worst one is they’re actually chained up.
Right. But the only difference between an angel and demons. And every day we have choices, like [02:04:00] you said, it’s free will, so we can make a giant failure, our lives, where we can make a great success and we have to do our part and then God brings the increase. Right. But exactly what you’re saying, Kimberly is, is spot on.
I agree with it. So let me ask you another question then on your shirt, a lot of our listeners are a lot of our listeners are through podcasts. So if you can’t see this Kimberly shirt, Kimberly, what’s your shirt in the banner, say in the background accept and embrace it all. Yes. And so we have thoroughly explored those in parts, but if you were to wrap that up and give a message, what’s that mean for our listeners except who you are, where you are, where you’re going and embrace it all.
Amen. And then in your story, from your birth through today, is there [02:05:00] anything we missed significant that we need to address or you want to address with our audience? Or are we going to move on to the future for Kimberly? So like I said I think, you know, it’s important that I’ll share this, that I had to deal with, even with.
Not a fairytale ending. I did have a conversation with my birth mom that I remember I really low point 2, 2, 2, 2 moments that I’m going to share. That was a low point that maybe it was similar to someone else can relate one particular moment. My one of my siblings was having a child and I met her at the hospital and my biological mother was there and I was filled with this anxiety again.
And I wanted questions that was answered both of, you know, we’re all grown. And I asked her, I tried to ask her about why she was [02:06:00] visiting my sister about you know, our relationship and why. And she said you have a mother. And I left that hospital and I banged on that steering wheel. And I just felt fell to pieces because if you had listened to my story before all I’m yearning was for her to accept me and to love me and be a mother.
And now you’re saying to me that I had a mother, how dare you tell me that I had a mother? Like you just don’t even care. You gave me to a woman that I didn’t ask for that, you know? So, and then the second time has been maybe not even two years ago I seen her at the hair salon and she was getting her hair braided or getting her hair done with another stylist.
And I was with my [02:07:00] aunt, which is her, her sister she’s cause she’s a hairstylist and I still love and yearn for this woman’s conversation. She was in her phone the whole time she did speak. But I remember getting my aunt something for lunch and I asked her, did she want anything? Cause we was going to go to the store across the street from the salon because that’s just the type of person I am.
And she said, no, but when I left, I left before her, because my hair was done before her, my aunt, which is her sister walked me out. And even though I felt it, she didn’t have to say it, but she’s my aunt said I’ve seen her treat strangers better than she treated you. I don’t understand it. And even though I know my aunt didn’t say it to hurt me.
I did a little shopping spree. I think I, I think I bought a hundred dollars worth of stuff just because I was [02:08:00] so hurting. And I remember that was the last moment. And when I cried and I got my. No closing. I remember calling my exes, my ex my mother whom was like a mother figure to me and explained to her what I had just encountered.
And I remember releasing two then in and release into her and even releasing to God and saying, I’m at this moment in my life, I just need you to really touch my heart and, and, and take whatever anticipation of us having a relationship away. Cause I can’t take it. I can’t take it. I’m giving this to you.
Just like I gave it to God. I said, I really believe this woman would be better off. If I was dead. I was nowhere. [02:09:00] That way she wouldn’t have to deal with me or deal with even knowing that she had me, but God, you’re going to have to take this anticipation of me wanting her love, wanting her acceptance.
What in her validation. Oh, wait, I can’t do it on my own. That was the moment. And I’m a living witness now. So now I’m letting you all know I’m still in my hometown. I released my book and I don’t have a relationship with her, but I’m good. I just wanted you all to know how they, things that you may feel that you go do that at the end.
Maybe, you know, a highlight a fairytale of how you want it to be, may not come and you will have to deal with it, but you can deal with it if you accept wanting [02:10:00] better for you. Amen. Amen. So that’s such a powerful thought and I was just reflecting and I’m looking at my notes. It’s like you had that powerful prayer moment in this fifth grade, and God just like performed a miracle in your grades in sixth grade and in your whole thing changed.
And then in a moment, your whole relationship internally with your mother changed, and it was through that pure prayer relationship with God. Right? But mind you, I got tired of prior years. I used to run into her even at a gas station and fill her car up with gas because I wanted some type of connection.
So I had to get tired. This is the point that I’m trying to make to someone and see when you get [02:11:00] tired enough and you choose that and you look at everything that you’ve done has not worked, but has kept you in an unhealthy place and a place that you don’t want to be anymore. You’ll choose to do something about it.
And I just want to give the re the listeners this, you can do it. See, I, I, I, I think I got so stuck into this voice, this hidden voice that I wasn’t capable. I wasn’t able to, I still want what I want. Yeah. Yeah. And that’s so good in, I know if you’re listening to this, we’re going to get to where Kimberly is today and how you can reach out to her and connect with her.
But Kimberly let’s, I wanna re just ask the same question, even though you addressed it. I love doing practical steps. So I have a friend of mine who has a mother that for the rest of their life, they [02:12:00] will longer relationship with our natural born mother. And that woman is a horrible. Now my friend is one of the greatest humans I’ve ever known, right?
Her mother is a disaster, actually been in the occult, a very harsh, horrible woman. Narcissist the whole works, but my friends still longs for the mother’s love you had that prayer, you said, but you had to get to that point to pray it for the people listening for my friend, for all my friends in the podcast that I’ve never met, right.
The community. How would you suggest or recommend or help them start getting to that point where they can pray that prayer to God and be free? Well, first they they w first I would have to make sure and ask, is this what they want? Because like I [02:13:00] said, at the very end, this is, I had to decide, it’s not now what I want, but what I need, you know, I wanted what I wanted.
And I even tried to sabotage relationship. That was meant for me, like my god-mom that was coming into my life, that I need it to come into my life because I wanted my biological. Mom’s love, not nobody else’s love, you know? So I distanced myself almost two years from her, but first, once anybody that’s listening or your friend that knows that they’re.
You have to be ready and willing to shoes to want better and understand this. And I had to get this to buy. When I reinvested in myself, the way I’m created and the way [02:14:00] we all are created, do we deserve that type of love? Do we deserve that type of person in our life? Once you answer that question, then you start choosing differently.
I deserve rather they were from me, biological or off the street. I deserve that love that unconditional or that Christ-like love because of who chemist is not because I had to buy it. Not because I had the bag for it, but because of who I am, and that’s not a forced love, it’s a natural love. And then I do love hurt.
I remember reading something that said, I don’t know, what’s worse that you did what you did to hurt me or that it [02:15:00] didn’t bother you. What you did.
I can’t read in that thing twice. And I said, oh my God, And it hit me like a light bulb. And I said, oh, my gracious. And I don’t, I don’t know what’s worse, but I do know I can’t be responsible for that. I can only be responsible for my actions and my choices after this, after this happens to me.
Yeah. Wow. That just hit me in the head. Thank you. Great. Before the end of the episode, that’s a really powerful, powerful thought and statement, you know, what’s more hurtful than doing it or them having no conscience about it. And the fact that I actually have had that many times, and I think the fact that somebody can perform a horrific act is terrible, but when they have no conscience towards it, that is just mind-boggling [02:16:00] to me and super hurtful.
So yeah, that’s, that’s definitely a heavy one to end the interview as well. Let’s do this. Where is Kimberly today and where are you headed? How can we help you get there? Oh my gosh, I’m headed to just exploring all the possibilities. That’s not impossible for me to achieve I’ve overcome and achieved so much that I, I put my mind to it.
I’m not supposed to have the degrees that I have and I have them and I chose to stop my educational career thing. I said, now this is it. This is where I, I, this is what I want, and this is where I’m going to stop. But now I’m headed to achieve all the other possibilities, the limitless, you know, through the God that he gives me to, [02:17:00] to accomplish, you know and reach in my message to anybody that’s open to hear.
And to just help, you know, inspire and encourage that. I’m just this one person that I know that I can sit before you and be authentic and, and transparent and say that freedom being free of anxiety and depression is the best feeling ever. And that if I can do it, make the choice to have it happen, then you can too.
But I had to, I had to put that choice at work. I had to put that choice at work and I couldn’t do it just for my kids. I had to do it for. Amen and well said. So if someone wants to get ahold of you cam and continue the conversation or, or schedule you for coaching or just [02:18:00] chatting, right. What’s the best way for them to reach you?
Well, I’m on I have a website it’s www w Kimberly Ann Bell, all one word, the a N N E all one word.com. And that’s the website. You can contact me on there. I’m also on Facebook contact that Kimberly Kimberly Bell. And I’m on Instagram, Kimberly Bell. So well, I’ll put links to all those in the show notes, people get the proper spelling and you can just click a button and I can be reached at any time.
I can, I love to travel me in that six year old so I can speak on I’m actually putting something together now, balance being of life that I will be doing a A session on the wonder a women [02:19:00] event in DC. So I’m, I’m still putting material together, but that’s one that I would love to cover again with, with women because it’s very much needed.
And I know me and you, you have said that too, about the balance that I’m still, you know it’s, it’s a work in progress because we all have different family dynamics and we have life. I have grandchildren and I have a six year old, so, but I have to be mindful of the balance. And I’m getting older and like you, like, you know, we were just speaking on and I’m agreeing with we’re living in a world of changes, changes is going to come.
We might not want to get old, but we’re worn to, that’s just the cycle of life. And even though I had my children and now that they got the 15 year old that I talked about, she’s 32, she’ll be 33 this year and I’m getting ready to turn 50. So, I mean I’ll be 49, but [02:20:00] I, I still mindful that generation is not the same as the generation that I’m, I’m dealing with male with my grandkids and my six year old, but I also hold true to some rules and values and understand that what hadn’t worked then.
With me as far as the communication and that’s a key in any relationship, you know, communication is the key. So with the communication that was lacked in my biological family home. And even in my adoption home, it’s explored now in a different way. So we have to do things differently. We have to change with the times, but understand also that it can be a good thing.
And we just have to embrace once again, embrace it and, and, and communicate, be vocal share [02:21:00] that it’s soothing to the soul. And like you said, in cry, I had, was tearing up a couple of times on here, but it’s good. It’s good. I it’s, it’s it’s cleansing and sometimes I have to get mindful and I now know, and I’m learning who to cry around and who who’s my support system also be mindful that building up a positive and healthy support system that will hold you accountable for, to stay on the right path or when they see your slacking that they can motivate you, they can help you and not hinder you, not distract you.
Put you in a distraught situation, because if you get in a strong, then that’s negative. That’s not, that’s not the right support system, but and all these things I had to learn in the process and build a healthy support system and [02:22:00] say, you know what I mean, a moment. And, and, and respectfully they’ll understand what moment is, or if I just said, I I’m getting ready to go there.
And you know, not too long ago, about three months ago, I had a little crying episode about my, my. ’cause like we shared. That was my that was my that was my first loss. Exactly. My first love, you might as well say my first loss and it, my, the, the, the overwhelming of the book and the overwhelming of my life.
And I said to this particular person, I said if my dad was here, you know, he would be so proud. And I just started balling and he understood, you know, it was like, okay. He’s like, yeah, it’s okay. You go ahead and cry, get it out, you know, because you know, we’re humans. And like you were saying before, we’re, we’re not perfect humans, but we have feelings and we have emotions and we’re having a [02:23:00] voice for a reason.
And we have to utilize it and sit and share and get our voice heard to help us not to hinder us, but help us. And not only help us as what I’m doing now and help each other, we can’t get it by us. You know, I wanna, I want to share this one. My, my, my my adopted dad had only a third grade education and.
He was so wise, but he said to me, and I always end, usually with this, he taught me the scripture and he said, Kimmy, he was the one that caught me Kimmy. So that’s why I named the book. He pitted me of Kimmy because they pitted me was the true essence that I found on myself. And the Kimmy is what he, he he’s he’s say to me, he was the only one that called me, Kevin.
He said, Kimmy, listen to your Darryl dad. He said, I want to tell you something. This is a scripture in the Bible, and I want to sum it up. And I want you to take this and take this, do your ultra life journey. He said, you know your [02:24:00] journey. He said, the life that you’re living the race, it’s a race. It’s a race.
Kimmy. The races is not given to the swift nor to the strong. So Kimmy, you don’t have to be so fast. They’re making things quickly done and you don’t have to be the strongest. I know you try to be strong all the time, but the race that’s given to you is not given to the, with more to the strong, but to the one that endure.
He said, baby, if you just keep on going, if you just keep on moving, it’s given to the one that endures to the end. And that’s what I can give to you. Amen. And for those of you who’ve listened to the end without enduring, I’m sure you enjoyed it. What a great way to close. So Kimmy, thank you for being here today.
You truly are a remarkable woman. You have a [02:25:00] remarkable story. I know it’s going to connect and help so many people. We really appreciate you being here today and to our listeners, like our slogan says, well, listen, do repeat for life. Don’t just listen to Kim’s story, but do the good that you’ve learned from it.
Repeat it each day so that you can have a great life in this world and an attorney to come. So I’m David . That was Kimberly Bell. Kimberley. Thank you again for being here. Thank you, David. Yeah, we’ll see you. Hopefully again soon. And ladies and gentlemen, we’ll see you in the next episode or go back and listen to a previous episode, but thanks for listening, please.
Like the podcast, rate it, review it, share it with your friends, because if this helped you please forward it so it can help other people. I’m David pastor alone. Thanks for listening to the remarkable people podcast. Ciao.